dead man walking

My biggest problem is my inability to trust myself, or to ask for help when I need it.

There have been so many times in the past 3 years where I could’ve asked for help, or just caved and admitted that I couldn’t do anything. But I’m too damn stubborn and proud. Yet, weirdly, I also don’t trust myself.

A few weeks ago I got back my first assignment in my hardest class. Out of the 10 points, I got an 8.6. Words cannot explain how upset I was. Yes, I know it’s only 1.4 points. Not that big of a deal. But we had two weeks to work on it. I got a head start. The assignment was tough at the time, but now that I’ve had experience with the NCBI website, it’s not bad at all. 

Out of the questions I got wrong, and the total points–a total of about 1.0 points were lost because I changed an answer. I have the evidence saved. I had the right answer all along. Then our professor suggested that we discuss answers with our classmates, to make sure we are getting them right. 

So I turned to my friend and we both decided to share answers. A few of hers were different. I listened to her explanations, and they made sense. So I went back, found the answers the way she had, and got the same answers. Save for one question, I got the rest of those wrong.

Now, it’s not her fault. She was just making common mistakes that many other students had made. But I made the mistake of NOT trusting myself, and my ability to get it right. I figured they were trick questions and her method was right. She gets better grades than me anyway. Had to be right. 

The number of times this has happened in the past few years is too high. I’ve lost so many points this way. I let other people explain stuff to me, and trust them over my own judgement.

And in exams? I doubt myself. In an honors quiz two weeks ago, I changed an answer. Figured it was a trick question. It wasn’t. I lost a point that I shouldn’t have lost.

Stuff like this bothers me so much. Why can I not trust myself? Why isn’t there a recipe for this? 

WHY CAN I NOT TRUST MY GUT? I’ll never do as well as I want to until I start doing that. And it’s killing me. 

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One thought on “dead man walking

  1. madscientist says:

    For some you have to see it to believe it. In others words you will need a logical reason or solid evidence before you can trust your own gut. It is almost like the whole world can tell you’re good at something, but you don’t believe in it yourself until you have the proof.
    I can relate to this post completely, until you catch sight of the evidence or until you reach a point where you realize this is causing problems for you it won’t happen. In a way when you’re hard on yourself – you begin to question your own instinct and your own decisions.
    I feel this post is a good start though. You realize that by not trusting your GUT instinct (which is right) you’re causing problems for yourself. You’re on the right track Madz. Imagine you’re building a muscle and take it one step at a time you’ve had this habit for so long. Don’t expect it all at once. You’re doing good so far – you’ve to admit you’ve gotten a lot better! That’s progress!

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