Aside

undone.

We must untie these bonds that are so powerful, and henceforth love this and that, but we wedded only to ourselves. That is to say, let the other things be ours, but not joined and glued to us so strongly that they cannot be detached without tearing off our skin and some part of our flesh as well. The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” – Michel de Montaigne, Of solitude

I’m going to preface this by pointing out that it’s that wonderful time of the month when all my midterms fall in the same week and my body decides that I need lots and lots of unhealthy snacks and I want ice cream but no chocolate and oh yes–I’m not pregnant. Nope. These weird cravings are just my body’s friendly reminder that I’m not pregnant. It’s like a punishment, or something. The shedding of my uterine lining. Stark reminder that I am very much not pregnant (which I am so very glad about, btw. Because if I was pregnant, that’d be concerning, considering…you know…the birds and the bees stuff that hasn’t happened.)

So I’ve been having weird abdominal cramps on and off, which is why it completely slipped my mind that I’m very much a woman that has this thing called menstrual cramps and that my body was reminding me that my period’s about to start. Enough talk about periods, I swear (I will save you the horror of listing the songs from the period playlist, which I find endlessly amusing). The point is, yesterday was my first ‘midterm’ technically, (although I’ve had 3 diff exams already) and so that time of that month that shall not be named started early. Now, I’ve been on edge, anxious and nervous in general, but for some reason, today, the depression has settled in.

I feel that depression is a long-time thing, as per it’s clinical definition, probably but there’s really no other way I can think of describing it. I just feel so, so down. And I had a physics quiz today (which I hopefully did pretty well on) and a lab quiz yesterday (A-, I’ve been really sad about that too. don’t judge) and tomorrow is honors, which I’m terrified about.

I’ve done all the readings, multiple times, I’ve been studying my notes, I know background info, and the themes , but we BARELY went over most of this stuff. We spent 99% of the time on background info rather than the text itself, which is what we’re being tested on.

I’m mostly just scared because I worked hard on that first paper and got a B. My first grade, a B. And I just asked this other girl a question and apparently she hasn’t done any of the readings and hasn’t even started studying, but she got an A- on that paper. A-! AND SHE WROTE IT AT 11PM the night before. I remember, we were talking at the time.

I prepare as much as I can, I’m doing everything I can think of, yet I’m not where I need to be. Learning is the biggest deal for me, i ENJOY these texts and I’m so glad I’m learning so much but I hate that I have to stress out about this letter that will show up on my transcript, affect my GPA and screw up my grade trends for grad school. And we’ve only had one grade so far but I can’t help but to obsess over that and worry about this one tomorrow that’s worth 20% of my GRADE. It’s such a big deal but I feel like I don’t know enough and I’m not really focused and AM HAVING trouble focusing because I’m worrying so much.

I went to office hours and said I was scared and the prof told me what he expects from us and just asdfghjnbvc. It didn’t help. I’m scared shitless that I won’t recognize stuff and get screwed over and just asdfggfdcs. IDK what to do, here.

I’ve had cramps, I’m taking ADVIL, I had too much coffee and sugary stuff, and I’m feeling needy/sad/restless/impatient and all these things at the same time and I haaaate it. I feel that a lot of this is just anxiety that’s getting worse because of my whacky hormones but FML, I really need that break next week.

I just feel like I won’t even get any sleep tonight because I’m worried so much.

I’ve done prayers, which usually helps, I’ve studied the material over and over, but UGH. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I forgot how stressful this stuff was.

I want/need ice cream.

😦

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