So, I haven’t used this in a while. And so I’m back today and I’m reading over my older entries and holy crap it’s all so weird.
It feels so weird, looking at my ups and downs, my moments of extreme clarity intermixed with those of confusion and uncertainty.
It gives me hope.
I needed that.
I’m having a shitty week, again. A shitty day, shitty week, shitty month, shitty year.
There have been days this year where I’ve been able to talk myself out of a funk, to convince myself it’s just a shitty day and not a shitty life, that my journey is different from someone else’s journey, that God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason.
But then there are days where I can tell myself this over and over, yet a part of me is still hurting. Because Why. Me? Why can’t shit just work out, for once in my life?
Why is it, that I’ll put everything into something, that I’ll put aside friendships and my own sanity, and work my butt off, following all advice, and still not get the results I wanted?
My parents have been so nice about it all. They know I worked hard. They saw it. I know I worked hard. I did everything right. But it still wasn’t enough, and it’s annoying the crap out of me.
Because now I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this place where, yes, I have some idea of where I need to go from here, but at the same time, I’m more scared than ever.
And I am not telling people because I’m irritable. Because people that offer advice haven’t been in my position. They don’t know my emotions, the process. They blindly throw advice at me and it frustrates me to no end because it doesn’t work that way. You can’t fix it if you don’t know the whole story, the whole system. It’s not easy, and it’s not simple. Attitude is everything, yes, but sometimes it isn’t enough.
Sometimes you need more. And I don’t really know what it is right now.
To make matters worse, my period started and I’m even more anxious than before. I know it’s hormones and that everything is heightened during these weeks anyway, but I just don’t need this right now.
I have never been this anxious and panicky in my life. It’s almost to the point where I’ve wondered, more than once, if I’ve developed an anxiety disorder. It has never ever been this crazy. I have always held at least some semblance of control, and I’ve felt it completely slip away from these past months and it frustrates me so. damn. much.
I feel like I’m finally getting a small idea of how it is for people with serious anxiety disorders, depression, the works. It’s easy to look at them and wonder why they’re letting themselves stay that way, why they aren’t doing anything to change their situation–sometimes you do everything you can and you still don’t have control. You try to talk yourself out of it, you let other people talk you out of it, you pray and you do everything you can think of.
But it isn’t enough. The bubbling panic, the feeling of not having any control over the situation, the fear of a colossal fuck-up. Even thinking, what’s the worse that can happen, life is too short to worry about these things, everything will work out on its own, this is all human creation and one day we’re gonna all die and nothing will matter and ALL that stuff–even that isn’t enough.
Ugh. Just. ugh.