oh goodness, this will last forever

i feel that i haven’t ranted/vented in ages and i’ll practically burst at anyone who’ll listen. which is just not a good idea.

so i’ll just be talking to myself, here. because i like to pretend no one really reads this, so it’s just my thoughts out there, in public, but without the burden of worrying about who reads it and what they think of me and whatever

all that jazz.

i’m

fucking

pissed

this week.

about everything. and nothing. with myself, but mostly with others. with our justice system, with people who think they’re better than everyone else, with people who poke their way into my business.

my cousin got into med school, which, fine ok whatever. i hate her guts. i really do. she’s not a nice person. and she told our mutual cousin that she was taking the mcat, which is a lie because she was already applying to med school and had taken the mcat last year, which is what my uncle had told my mom.

not that i’m keeping track or anything.

anyway. this same cousin, okay, who’s a year older than me – back in HS, she got into this really, really good university. or so they say. and she’s an amazing student, let’s not forget. straight A’s, solid ACT, etc.

but she couldn’t afford it. so she went to one of the most mediocre schools in the state.

now, i went to a pretty great high school. i have friends at ivy leagues. most of my class went to REALLY great schools. i know a thing or two about bright students getting into good schools, and i can tell you for a fact that said university will give AMAZING scholarships to good students. so, that whole story? complete bullshit. anyone here can tell you that. these people know how it works. you can get an allowance for your books, even. they pretty much PAY you to attend.

anyway, so there’s a history of bullshit there. and then she got into another school in another state, apparently, and now here, which, whatever.

the problem is in the fact that her father had the balls to ask my mom 1) when i’m taking the mcat 2) why i haven’t taken it yet and 3) why i’m waiting so long because the whole app process takes a year.

and i am so, so pissed. 

because it’s no one’s fucking business.

because no one asks him about his kid, and it’s because no one wants to tell him about theirs.

because how fucking dare he. 

ugh

and i can’t bitch about it anywhere really, because i haven’t really told people about how fucked up the mcat was and how it went, and just thinking about it makes me want to cry, mostly.

and i had to deactivate twitter because of what’s going on in MO.

because i was talking about how effed up our justice system is, thinking about the instances of discrimination i’ve felt, my family is felt, how that humiliation doesn’t even compare to this. how it’s not even close. how it’s this, but on SUCH an incomprehensibly huge scale. and just thinking about it makes me want to cry and scream and throw up.

because everyone who’s defending it is getting defensive about the attack on cops and missing the point completely.

because people don’t understand the difference between a shot meant to disable and a shot meant to kill

because people don’t understand the amount of hatred people have for other races

and people don’t. fucking. get. that the justice system should be one that’s understandable – that all citizens can comprehend. don’t tell me i don’t get our justice system. because this same justice system made slavery legal, at one point. so yes, maybe i’ll never comprehend all of it, and why things are the way they are – but don’t tell me i’m not allowed to have an opinion because i don’t understand it. i’m allowed to look at all the facts and have an opinion. you don’t have to like it, i wasn’t born to fucking please you.

ugh

i just fucking hate people this week.