‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight

Lists, lists, lists.

I need to blog more frequently. It shouldn’t be about eloquence or worrying about what people think. It should be for me. To vent and then be able to come back and see how I got beyond things and how I’ve grown.

So today I’m working on getting on track again.

Last night I cracked open one of the new MCAT prep books. First chapter wasn’t awful, luckily just covered material I’ve seen before. Kind of made me excited. It’s so hard to get excited and motivated for this retake because I spent so much time studying in the summer and it all feels like such a waste. And I should look at it as a learning experience but it’s really hard. So the fact that last night didn’t send me running is a huge accomplishment. Or a step forward. Whichever.

So that’s MCAT. But if I’m reapplying this upcoming cycle then I need new rec letters and all that by June and I’m not quite sure about all of that just yet. Because it’s recommended to apply through the school’s committee and that was supposed to be in November, but by then I was not exactly eligible because I had already applied to schools and was focused on getting in.

So, this might mean waiting another year, which would equal two years off. Which is problematic, but seriously, in the long run, I think it’s better to have the best possible application for my second attempt rather than rushing through it to please my parents. It’ll be a touch conversation and I’m not sure where to even begin.

So that’s that. I still haven’t applied to that one year master’s program. Apps aren’t due until May and the one reason I haven’t yet is one of the questions is when did you apply to med school and what were the results. I have one rejection and about 14 schools with silence. How do I say I don’t know yet? I don’t want to eff up my chances of getting into that program either. Ugh. But my dad had been on my case about it. He just doesn’t get it!!!! And I know not taking a gap year is entirely on me and (I had good reasons too, like STUDENT LOANS!) but he pressures me SO MUCH. HE pressured me not to take a gap year. I shouldn’t listen to him ever again with this stuff because he does NOT get it. He’s not the one experiencing this, it’s me. And it’s not fair that he’s trying to pressure me to apply for a job at a pharma company that I can then do permanently instead of pursuing my dream. Or constantly coming up with alternatives and pushing backup plans at me and pushing ME for backup plans. This is my plan and this is my backup plan. The end.

So: MCAT, master’s, and lastly: work.

Three apps, two interviews. First interview was alright and followed by another, but they haven’t gotten back to me. It’s been a week. I know they want someone who can work long term but it was such a great opportunity so close to my house, and it doesn’t look like it’ll be happening which sucks.

Then there’s #2. No openings in Chicago so I’m on a long wait list. Two openings in the suburbs, 45 mins away and only way to get there is by car. I have neither a car nor my license. The former requires insurance as well, which my parents can’t afford to pay for right now. The latter–well, my dad won’t let me practice in the winter. Ugh. But if I don’t have access to a car then what’s the point even?

And #3– no interview but wait list because there are no openings in Chicago and the only other one right now is in Lake Forest which is also 45 mins away by car and 2 hours away from train. And minimum wage? First of all; taking public transportation at night in Chicago for their night shifts is pretty much a death wish. secondly, minimum wage would barely cover my daily transportation, let alone student loans that I have to repay in June.

So basically, everything is meh right now.

Which means it’s time for a task list:

– devise MCAT study plan
– talk to an advisor (?)
– talk to adm dean friend of S
– master’s app
– finish reading the Namesake
– at least 2 more job apps
– stop feeling sorry for yourself
– stop being an ass to people