I really need this, today.

I felt comfortable coming out of my p- exam. Overall I thought it was decent and not incredibly hard, although I had to guess a few things. My friend thought it was very difficult which got me wondering. Usually when I think something was incredibly hard I end up surviving. But I’ll think something was easy or not bad and turns out I either didn’t do as well as I thought…or a LOT worse than that, even.

So I don’t know, and I won’t until next week, but maaaan. People have been talking about it and about some questions and it’s so frustrating because I’ve worked really hard on bringing my grade up and if I didn’t pass this exam than I’ll have failed the class and would have to make it up over the summer and that would really suck.

And b-chem today ripped my heart out. It was terrible. Some of the things I guessed on, I got wrong. The rest? I don’t even remember, THAT is how much guessing I did. I’m super worried. I was just so exhausted after 2 brutal exams.

So I need to focus on gratitude, again.

For the sake of my sanity.

I’m grateful that in all my studying, I did some studying for tomorrow’s exam and that other classes prepared me for a few of them. I’m grateful that I was able to study for the lab practical with J’s crew. We were there for 2.5 hours so I REALLY hope to do well to hopefully makeup for whatever second guessing I did on that exam. I’m grateful for having their company for dinners, it’s entertaining and I feel a little less alone.

I’m grateful that there’s only one more day and then I’m going with them to the city on friday and then I’M GOING HOME. OH, HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO BE ABLE TO GO HOME FOR THREE WEEKS. CUPCAKES, HERE I COME!!!!

I’m grateful for my family and their continued support. They’ve been amazing. I really feel that despite being disappointed, they’ll still support me even if I fail that one class.

I’m grateful for my health, and for having the privilege to be here. I’m grateful for the chance, for getting to do what I love.

I’m grateful for trash TV and fanfic that I can read to cheer myself up.

I’m grateful to be alive and breathing.

I’m grateful for my faith, for when I work hard and know I’ve done everything i possibly could in my classes, I know He is watching and has a plan for me. That this is where I’m supposed to be, and whatever I do, I must keep going — I’m not a quitter. And I worked too hard to get here.

I’m grateful for the roof above my head, for refreshing naps, for coffee and energy bars, for food (especially sushi). I’m grateful for Adele. Her album is absolutely wonderful.

One more day. I can do this, right?

I really hope so.

our love ain’t water under the bridge

So, the social worker wants me to seek gratitude. Since I’m being pressured and pushed to my limits everywhere in my life right now, I need to step back and think about things I’m grateful for, to have some happiness in my life and take away from all the negative energy.

It’s funny because these 24 hours have actually given me a lot to be grateful for.

While I felt terrible when I went to talk to L yesterday, it felt good to let everything out, all the things that I don’t tell people, all the realizations I’ve come to about things. It was nice to just vent and cry and get it out of my system.

Then I started noticing my support system. My sister, asking how my exam went. I said it didn’t go well, so she told me she was asking on behalf of my dad and wanted to know what she should tell him. I’m not one to put icing on feelings and act like everything is okay when it isn’t, so I told her to tell him the truth. His simple reply was – “no worries.” Enough to make me feel infinitely better.

We then talked about a few other things. I’m grateful for those conversations. Today she even told me how in one of her classes the professor brought up how fired up I was about a topic and how I’m “such a leftist.” It made me laugh! I couldn’t believe the professor had remembered, I do remember the discussion and how amused she was about my passion for it. It gave me the warm and fuzzies to know that she (my favorite professor) still remembered that, that I left that kind of impact. It was over 2 years ago!

I’m grateful that another friend who is usually on/off with talking to me not only let me rant and was supportive, but also came to me to rant and feels comfortable doing that. It’s nice to know that people are on your side! I like our friendship. I like that there’s someone who agrees with me on things and wants to share things with me individually. It makes me feel like my opinion is worth something, or that I am approachable, at least. And even today, when I messaged him to vent, he agreed with me and gave input too.

I’m grateful for my favorite celebrity who, even when he’s upset and super busy, will take the time out to tweet with us, and when he gets to my tweet, to reply with my given nickname and to keep up with it! He genuinely cares, and it’s the sweetest thing. It’s crazy how one visit from him can turn my day around.

I’m grateful for the cute guy that I was crushing on before, and then stopped, and am back to crushing on now. It’s silly, but it’s nice to have an innocent crush. His cute smile in reaction to my teasing, and him valuing my knowledge and asking me questions (not treating me like the idiot I feel like I am, usually) gives me the warm and fuzzies too. Class becomes more enjoyable and we both end up learning so much from each other. I actually felt good about an exam after reviewing with him and my other groupmate yesterday!

I’m grateful for my parents, who’ve given me so much support. My mother sent me a package last week, and while I was a bit wary (I feel terrible when she sends me clothes I wouldn’t usually wear), I was pleasantly surprised and touched when I noticed all the chocolates she’d sent. Even though my slight weight gain in school is probably enough to cause her prehypertension, it was nice to know that she was still supporting my sugar habit — it was a sign she missed me.

I’m grateful for peanut butter. It’s delicious. It makes me happy. Apple slices and peanut butter have become my favorite snack.

I’m grateful for the calorie counting app that makes me think twice about my meals, that’s making me eat a bit healthier and snack more instead of going overboard on dessert.

I’m grateful for the guys I sat with yesterday, who were incredibly sweet and included me in their conversation. They even invited me to hang out with them before I go home even though one of them had already invited me before and I was gonna go with. One of them told me to pick one thing I really wanted to do so that we could go through everyone’s favorite things that day. And then for that moment halfway through dinner where one of us realized that the four of us were in the same interview group for school and were the only four to get in. That was a nice feeling, realizing how far we’ve gotten.

I’m grateful for that large slice of PB fudge cake that one of them cut for me as a joke, because I was being lazy and asked for a slice and he challenged me with a mega-slice. (I still haven’t finished it…)

I’m grateful for that dreaded meeting with my advisor today, where she slipped me my rank and I realized I went up a lot from last time. Twice during our conversation she said she loved how much I had improved and that I LOOKED good and she was really happy to see the improvements she saw in me. That she liked what she saw, that not only was I doing much better academically but I was also progressing in my confidence and she was proud of that.

That’s about enough for today, I need to get back to studying. But I feel good right now. Perhaps it’s the pepsi I’ve been chugging, or the fact that another person I was talking to called me their “favorite person” when I got really fired up about something, or just that I’ve relieved myself of all the negative energy from this week.

Whatever it is, I’m grateful for that feeling.