you light up my cold heart

it’s been a rough week.

we had 2 exams monday, i definitely feel like i failed the first one.

one of my favorite characters described it well…”best of intentions…but a disaster.” and i’m still here.

a student dropped out for “medical leave.”

that’s the 5th student we’ve lost in our program in the past ~7 months.

i’ve been doing better this semester. my anxiety levels have gone down. i’m still nervous, i’m still stressed, the schedule is ridicul0us. i’ve gotten better at dealing with it though.

but this week…everything is creeping back up.

my O exam was crappy. really, really crappy. I’m quite sure I failed. practical was better but not as great as the last one went. i missed stuff, i feel like my technique was messy for treatment, etc.

immuno wasn’t bad but if i wasn’t exhausted from the exam I took that morning, I would’ve felt so much better and would’ve done so much better.

physio was a disaster, as always. i love endocrine. i really really do. but after the practical on thursday, i was exhausted. i got through all the physio lectures but didn’t get to review all of them. i chose to sleep because i figured i’d need to maintain my function.

the timing of the last two exams for that class has sucked. the first one, i passed. but barely. and this one…i’m not sure. i feel like i passed, but the more time that passes by, the more i keep thinking about what i got wrong and right now i’m at 9 questions out of the 60 and it’s giving me so much anxiety.

i watched this ted talk on emotional health and how failures don’t mean you can’t do something or aren’t capable. i just feel like…i work hard, but i’m losing motivation. i’m exhausted. spent. physically, emotionally. i felt okay before but now i feel like i’m soaking up the anxiety and stress reflected by everyone around me. i feel like i’m losing sight of the goal. i keep feeling like every little failure is adding up to me not getting anywhere in the future. it sucks.

i feel like i’ll be defined by my grades and that has always been what has hurt me. i keep feeling like i’m more than my grades but then my grades drag me down and make me feel dumb. i feel like i don’t belong here. i feel like i don’t deserve to be here, that it’s turning into this waste of time and money only because i won’t get anywhere with it with my academic performance. like it would take some miracle for me to be successful. i feel like i’ve been on this downward track for years now and there’s no going back.

i hate feeling this way.

i could just sacrifice sleep completely, fill my body with energy drinks and see how that goes. but my body can’t tolerate it. when i crash, i crash. it goes very badly. i want to balance everything but i can’t. i think i need to make schedules, talk to my advisor. do my prayers at the right times. wake up early. i need sleep to function. i keep hearing you need to give up sleep to succeed. that’s not true. you need to keep on track. you NEED sleep. your BODY needs sleep to process information for long term memory. proper sleep is essential. i felt the effects of not getting enough sleep, even though it was just one hour less, in my exam today, when i could not sort through the choices and think the way i wanted to. and then my stomach started hurting and i just walked away from it when i shouldn’t have.

ugh.

it sucks. it really, really sucks. but i need to stop letting this feeling consume me. i’m more than this. i can be more than this. this isn’t the end. i can do better. i will do better. i’ve gotten better grades this semester. i need to stop thinking it’s all impossible

i need to focus on the good stuff, on counting my blessings.

i’ve got a leadership position. more responsibility, but i’m excited for it. i worked hard to get it. i haven’t even done any work for it yet because technically it begins next semester.

when i got into an argument the other day, and someone really hurt me with the things they said, my crew messaged me. individually. even the guys, although they didn’t have to get involved or take my side or any of that. they all checked in on me. i appreciated it. i didn’t let them come close though, because if i was gonna cry over something so stupid because i let it get to me, there was no way i was gonna do it in front of them. nope. but i dealt with it, and their sweet messages made my heart soar. i appreciated how they keep checking up on me, offering to go somewhere or talk.

i appreciated dinner the other day, when even though i was the only girl there, i didn’t feel excluded. they joked, i laughed. i got to rant. i felt included. i felt a little less lonely. i needed that more than ever.

despite how shitty this week was, with 5 exams total, and some very hard ones with crazy scheduling, i got through it. i’m here. it’s almost done. so close.

i’m still sticking around. i’m still sucking it up. i’m not just giving up or in. i’m more than that. i don’t just give up. i have faith.

i just need to keep at it.

 

 

 

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