these mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb

it’s so interesting to look back on the previous posts in this blog and see how much has changed. how consistent my complaints have been, how trivial.

i look back and go “suck it up, buttercup.” i think: stop making excuses. stop lying to yourself.

it’s hard, though.

this semester was supposed to be a good one, but again, i find myself falling apart. how dramatic is that, even?

to top off the academics and the self-doubt, add dismantled friendships and boy problems.

it’s so silly because i know in a few years i’ll look back at this and wonder how and why i let it affect me so much but i physically cannot stop. if i could just remove it all from my system somehow, i would, but that isn’t how this works. it isn’t how i operate.

what am i doing about my situation?

following my gut, and it isn’t going so well. my gut says duck, hide, avoid. look away. put on a hoodie and ignore your problems. don’t make eye contact. they’ll see. they’ll know. 

sometimes it’ll say: confront. fight. hold people in one place and just ask. why don’t we talk anymore? what did i do to you? do you like me? did i make all this up? what are you thinking? how do you expect me to let you in when you can’t let me in? do you think i’m crazy? i feel crazy. i feel a lot of things, actually. i guess it’s good, in a way. it means i’m alive.

this year i felt down overall. i wondered if it was depression. i think it might be. i don’t want to label it. i don’t know what to do about it. i feel like it’s normal, here. everyone goes through this, right? this too shall pass. i can’t tell you that, though. i don’t want to think about how you’re gonna look at me if i tell you. i don’t want you to back away, about as much as i do. 

do you want me to open up? what do you want to hear? i’ve spent years building up this wall. it won’t crack that easily. we had this one moment when it almost did. i felt the swoosh as everything else around me faded and i got caught up in the moment and the truth almost came bubbling up. what scares you the most? i almost let my guard down.

you think there’s all this stuff, that i’m this huge mystery. you’re intrigued. you think i’m a puzzle. you think there’s a chase. you like games. i’m a game. sometimes you’re tired of it.

there’s nothing here, really. it’s a whole ball of emotions without any significant history. there’s no ex, no broken heart. when i ramble about men, it isn’t because i’ve been hurt or broken by them. it’s pure observation. and it has nothing to do with you. i don’t know how to make it any more obvious that it’s a defense mechanism. that all of this is, just so i don’t get hurt. 

and i’ve given that away to you so many times yet you don’t connect the dots, or you pretend not to, and i don’t know what that means.

this isn’t going to get anywhere, i know that.

but are you looking for a sign?

what do you want from me?

why are you so hot and cold?

why are we like this?

i’m so confused. i’m so lost. i wish i didn’t care, i wish i could just shut it off, and sometimes it feels like i have. sometimes i give myself the pep talk, and it’s fine, and i’m fine.

and i can sit in the same room as you and be normal.

but then: a moment where i freeze up because of an interaction i see and all of a sudden, for the first time ever, i feel this burning feeling from my gut outwards. i call it embarrassment for stuttering, i call it shame. deep down, i know: it’s fucking jealousy.

i can tell people whatever i want, i can label it whatever i want but i know, that when my whole body was on fire just then, and i couldn’t even make eye contact with you after, it was because i was so jealous i didn’t know what to do about it. and i was ashamed of being jealous because i had convinced myself that i didn’t care, i had the pep talk, i was ready to move the fuck along.

how silly. 

it’s insane how hard i try to control my emotions, how there’s this fucking raging storm inside me and i manage to keep it inside, keeping a front and managing to stay expressionless and cold.

you want me to open up? trust me, you don’t want to hear about this. i’m embarrassed. i don’t open up to people because that gives them too much power. i’m not just gonna hand that over to someone.

i don’t know you well enough to give that to you.

i care too much about what you’ll think.

i don’t even understand why you might even like me for the way i am.

i don’t even understand what the fuck is going on.

and at one point in my life i could’ve pushed it down in my list of priorities but suddenly it’s on the top because it’s easier to focus on this than everything else.

what now? 

what should i do? 

i don’t know.

but i need to figure it out before we go our separate ways.

when the hell did this become my life?

i hate it.

one moment i’m calm and collected, ready to tackle my life, ready to leave you behind and not give a fuck,

the next: a notification. your name. it’s probably something silly. but it’s you reaching out. and i melt like chocolate in the sun.it all keeps crumbling down. and i want to clean it up right away. i want to not let it get anywhere. i want to build that wall back up, put it all together.

but there’s the glimmer of hope.

the heart wants what it wants.

here we go again. 

 

 

 

 

you light up my cold heart

it’s been a rough week.

we had 2 exams monday, i definitely feel like i failed the first one.

one of my favorite characters described it well…”best of intentions…but a disaster.” and i’m still here.

a student dropped out for “medical leave.”

that’s the 5th student we’ve lost in our program in the past ~7 months.

i’ve been doing better this semester. my anxiety levels have gone down. i’m still nervous, i’m still stressed, the schedule is ridicul0us. i’ve gotten better at dealing with it though.

but this week…everything is creeping back up.

my O exam was crappy. really, really crappy. I’m quite sure I failed. practical was better but not as great as the last one went. i missed stuff, i feel like my technique was messy for treatment, etc.

immuno wasn’t bad but if i wasn’t exhausted from the exam I took that morning, I would’ve felt so much better and would’ve done so much better.

physio was a disaster, as always. i love endocrine. i really really do. but after the practical on thursday, i was exhausted. i got through all the physio lectures but didn’t get to review all of them. i chose to sleep because i figured i’d need to maintain my function.

the timing of the last two exams for that class has sucked. the first one, i passed. but barely. and this one…i’m not sure. i feel like i passed, but the more time that passes by, the more i keep thinking about what i got wrong and right now i’m at 9 questions out of the 60 and it’s giving me so much anxiety.

i watched this ted talk on emotional health and how failures don’t mean you can’t do something or aren’t capable. i just feel like…i work hard, but i’m losing motivation. i’m exhausted. spent. physically, emotionally. i felt okay before but now i feel like i’m soaking up the anxiety and stress reflected by everyone around me. i feel like i’m losing sight of the goal. i keep feeling like every little failure is adding up to me not getting anywhere in the future. it sucks.

i feel like i’ll be defined by my grades and that has always been what has hurt me. i keep feeling like i’m more than my grades but then my grades drag me down and make me feel dumb. i feel like i don’t belong here. i feel like i don’t deserve to be here, that it’s turning into this waste of time and money only because i won’t get anywhere with it with my academic performance. like it would take some miracle for me to be successful. i feel like i’ve been on this downward track for years now and there’s no going back.

i hate feeling this way.

i could just sacrifice sleep completely, fill my body with energy drinks and see how that goes. but my body can’t tolerate it. when i crash, i crash. it goes very badly. i want to balance everything but i can’t. i think i need to make schedules, talk to my advisor. do my prayers at the right times. wake up early. i need sleep to function. i keep hearing you need to give up sleep to succeed. that’s not true. you need to keep on track. you NEED sleep. your BODY needs sleep to process information for long term memory. proper sleep is essential. i felt the effects of not getting enough sleep, even though it was just one hour less, in my exam today, when i could not sort through the choices and think the way i wanted to. and then my stomach started hurting and i just walked away from it when i shouldn’t have.

ugh.

it sucks. it really, really sucks. but i need to stop letting this feeling consume me. i’m more than this. i can be more than this. this isn’t the end. i can do better. i will do better. i’ve gotten better grades this semester. i need to stop thinking it’s all impossible

i need to focus on the good stuff, on counting my blessings.

i’ve got a leadership position. more responsibility, but i’m excited for it. i worked hard to get it. i haven’t even done any work for it yet because technically it begins next semester.

when i got into an argument the other day, and someone really hurt me with the things they said, my crew messaged me. individually. even the guys, although they didn’t have to get involved or take my side or any of that. they all checked in on me. i appreciated it. i didn’t let them come close though, because if i was gonna cry over something so stupid because i let it get to me, there was no way i was gonna do it in front of them. nope. but i dealt with it, and their sweet messages made my heart soar. i appreciated how they keep checking up on me, offering to go somewhere or talk.

i appreciated dinner the other day, when even though i was the only girl there, i didn’t feel excluded. they joked, i laughed. i got to rant. i felt included. i felt a little less lonely. i needed that more than ever.

despite how shitty this week was, with 5 exams total, and some very hard ones with crazy scheduling, i got through it. i’m here. it’s almost done. so close.

i’m still sticking around. i’m still sucking it up. i’m not just giving up or in. i’m more than that. i don’t just give up. i have faith.

i just need to keep at it.

 

 

 

let the light guide your way

this semester is hell.

holy cannolis.

our exam schedule is absolutely ridiculous. our workload is absolutely horrid. and i’m having trouble focusing.

i started off on track, still coming off winter break and trying to keep up.

but i’ve been a mess. emotionally, physically, mentally. tue’s exam was awful. monday’s was alright. practical was okay.

i just need to find my footing academically.

but i’m still managing to pull through because i’ve managed to rekindle friendships, somehow. it’s like a load has been lifted. i’m enjoying school again. i’m enjoying talking to people, i’m talking to more people, new people. i’m not holding back. i’m putting myself out there.

it’s such a relief. it’s nice not to avoid people, it’s nice to have the group conversations i’ve had in the past week. whether it be about politics or ethics in med or cultural competence. it has been absolutely amazing. it’s felt so good to get it out of here, i’m finally feeling like i fit. i’ve finally found my way there.

i’m grateful for that. i hope that feeling stays. i hope i can manage to keep my head over water.

I really need this, today.

I felt comfortable coming out of my p- exam. Overall I thought it was decent and not incredibly hard, although I had to guess a few things. My friend thought it was very difficult which got me wondering. Usually when I think something was incredibly hard I end up surviving. But I’ll think something was easy or not bad and turns out I either didn’t do as well as I thought…or a LOT worse than that, even.

So I don’t know, and I won’t until next week, but maaaan. People have been talking about it and about some questions and it’s so frustrating because I’ve worked really hard on bringing my grade up and if I didn’t pass this exam than I’ll have failed the class and would have to make it up over the summer and that would really suck.

And b-chem today ripped my heart out. It was terrible. Some of the things I guessed on, I got wrong. The rest? I don’t even remember, THAT is how much guessing I did. I’m super worried. I was just so exhausted after 2 brutal exams.

So I need to focus on gratitude, again.

For the sake of my sanity.

I’m grateful that in all my studying, I did some studying for tomorrow’s exam and that other classes prepared me for a few of them. I’m grateful that I was able to study for the lab practical with J’s crew. We were there for 2.5 hours so I REALLY hope to do well to hopefully makeup for whatever second guessing I did on that exam. I’m grateful for having their company for dinners, it’s entertaining and I feel a little less alone.

I’m grateful that there’s only one more day and then I’m going with them to the city on friday and then I’M GOING HOME. OH, HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO BE ABLE TO GO HOME FOR THREE WEEKS. CUPCAKES, HERE I COME!!!!

I’m grateful for my family and their continued support. They’ve been amazing. I really feel that despite being disappointed, they’ll still support me even if I fail that one class.

I’m grateful for my health, and for having the privilege to be here. I’m grateful for the chance, for getting to do what I love.

I’m grateful for trash TV and fanfic that I can read to cheer myself up.

I’m grateful to be alive and breathing.

I’m grateful for my faith, for when I work hard and know I’ve done everything i possibly could in my classes, I know He is watching and has a plan for me. That this is where I’m supposed to be, and whatever I do, I must keep going — I’m not a quitter. And I worked too hard to get here.

I’m grateful for the roof above my head, for refreshing naps, for coffee and energy bars, for food (especially sushi). I’m grateful for Adele. Her album is absolutely wonderful.

One more day. I can do this, right?

I really hope so.

our love ain’t water under the bridge

So, the social worker wants me to seek gratitude. Since I’m being pressured and pushed to my limits everywhere in my life right now, I need to step back and think about things I’m grateful for, to have some happiness in my life and take away from all the negative energy.

It’s funny because these 24 hours have actually given me a lot to be grateful for.

While I felt terrible when I went to talk to L yesterday, it felt good to let everything out, all the things that I don’t tell people, all the realizations I’ve come to about things. It was nice to just vent and cry and get it out of my system.

Then I started noticing my support system. My sister, asking how my exam went. I said it didn’t go well, so she told me she was asking on behalf of my dad and wanted to know what she should tell him. I’m not one to put icing on feelings and act like everything is okay when it isn’t, so I told her to tell him the truth. His simple reply was – “no worries.” Enough to make me feel infinitely better.

We then talked about a few other things. I’m grateful for those conversations. Today she even told me how in one of her classes the professor brought up how fired up I was about a topic and how I’m “such a leftist.” It made me laugh! I couldn’t believe the professor had remembered, I do remember the discussion and how amused she was about my passion for it. It gave me the warm and fuzzies to know that she (my favorite professor) still remembered that, that I left that kind of impact. It was over 2 years ago!

I’m grateful that another friend who is usually on/off with talking to me not only let me rant and was supportive, but also came to me to rant and feels comfortable doing that. It’s nice to know that people are on your side! I like our friendship. I like that there’s someone who agrees with me on things and wants to share things with me individually. It makes me feel like my opinion is worth something, or that I am approachable, at least. And even today, when I messaged him to vent, he agreed with me and gave input too.

I’m grateful for my favorite celebrity who, even when he’s upset and super busy, will take the time out to tweet with us, and when he gets to my tweet, to reply with my given nickname and to keep up with it! He genuinely cares, and it’s the sweetest thing. It’s crazy how one visit from him can turn my day around.

I’m grateful for the cute guy that I was crushing on before, and then stopped, and am back to crushing on now. It’s silly, but it’s nice to have an innocent crush. His cute smile in reaction to my teasing, and him valuing my knowledge and asking me questions (not treating me like the idiot I feel like I am, usually) gives me the warm and fuzzies too. Class becomes more enjoyable and we both end up learning so much from each other. I actually felt good about an exam after reviewing with him and my other groupmate yesterday!

I’m grateful for my parents, who’ve given me so much support. My mother sent me a package last week, and while I was a bit wary (I feel terrible when she sends me clothes I wouldn’t usually wear), I was pleasantly surprised and touched when I noticed all the chocolates she’d sent. Even though my slight weight gain in school is probably enough to cause her prehypertension, it was nice to know that she was still supporting my sugar habit — it was a sign she missed me.

I’m grateful for peanut butter. It’s delicious. It makes me happy. Apple slices and peanut butter have become my favorite snack.

I’m grateful for the calorie counting app that makes me think twice about my meals, that’s making me eat a bit healthier and snack more instead of going overboard on dessert.

I’m grateful for the guys I sat with yesterday, who were incredibly sweet and included me in their conversation. They even invited me to hang out with them before I go home even though one of them had already invited me before and I was gonna go with. One of them told me to pick one thing I really wanted to do so that we could go through everyone’s favorite things that day. And then for that moment halfway through dinner where one of us realized that the four of us were in the same interview group for school and were the only four to get in. That was a nice feeling, realizing how far we’ve gotten.

I’m grateful for that large slice of PB fudge cake that one of them cut for me as a joke, because I was being lazy and asked for a slice and he challenged me with a mega-slice. (I still haven’t finished it…)

I’m grateful for that dreaded meeting with my advisor today, where she slipped me my rank and I realized I went up a lot from last time. Twice during our conversation she said she loved how much I had improved and that I LOOKED good and she was really happy to see the improvements she saw in me. That she liked what she saw, that not only was I doing much better academically but I was also progressing in my confidence and she was proud of that.

That’s about enough for today, I need to get back to studying. But I feel good right now. Perhaps it’s the pepsi I’ve been chugging, or the fact that another person I was talking to called me their “favorite person” when I got really fired up about something, or just that I’ve relieved myself of all the negative energy from this week.

Whatever it is, I’m grateful for that feeling.

 

 

got my head spinning

sooooo. got into med school.

did not see that coming, tbh.

i’d pretty much given up and accepted that i’d have to take two years off…and now here i am.

i’m excited, i’m happy for everyone that’s excited for me, but mostly i’m utterly terrified. 

it’s going to be really different. and really hard. not just the studies, but staying away so far from home, in a dorm, with my religious/dietary restrictions. taking care of myself in a different setting. adjusting to a new city. getting around in a place where it’s more important to have a car than it is where i live right now.

keeping up and not falling behind, and just ugh.

it’s so so dumb but i still feel like i’m also comparing myself to people and it’ll never end, really.

still with all the what-ifs. and worrying about the future. rotations and residencies, if i’m really fit for this or if i’ll crash and burn.

it’s so ridiculous. and i can’t stop. i wish i could change that part of me but it’s not something i’ve been very successful at. sigh.

other things i need to work at — i’ve been logging my calories everyday. i’m trying to eat less, but it’s not necessarily better. falling behind on running/exercising in general, too.

i’ll have a gym membership there so i’m hoping to get a head start and being REALLY sucky at it.

I NEED TO GET ORGANIZED. IDK how to kick myself into action.

Friday morning at 4 am I made the decision to take two years off before med school. Made peace with what I was given and decided to work my butt off to make myself the best applicant possible. 

Went back to sleep; woke up at 10 am to an interview invite. Flying to NY Sunday.