‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight

Lists, lists, lists.

I need to blog more frequently. It shouldn’t be about eloquence or worrying about what people think. It should be for me. To vent and then be able to come back and see how I got beyond things and how I’ve grown.

So today I’m working on getting on track again.

Last night I cracked open one of the new MCAT prep books. First chapter wasn’t awful, luckily just covered material I’ve seen before. Kind of made me excited. It’s so hard to get excited and motivated for this retake because I spent so much time studying in the summer and it all feels like such a waste. And I should look at it as a learning experience but it’s really hard. So the fact that last night didn’t send me running is a huge accomplishment. Or a step forward. Whichever.

So that’s MCAT. But if I’m reapplying this upcoming cycle then I need new rec letters and all that by June and I’m not quite sure about all of that just yet. Because it’s recommended to apply through the school’s committee and that was supposed to be in November, but by then I was not exactly eligible because I had already applied to schools and was focused on getting in.

So, this might mean waiting another year, which would equal two years off. Which is problematic, but seriously, in the long run, I think it’s better to have the best possible application for my second attempt rather than rushing through it to please my parents. It’ll be a touch conversation and I’m not sure where to even begin.

So that’s that. I still haven’t applied to that one year master’s program. Apps aren’t due until May and the one reason I haven’t yet is one of the questions is when did you apply to med school and what were the results. I have one rejection and about 14 schools with silence. How do I say I don’t know yet? I don’t want to eff up my chances of getting into that program either. Ugh. But my dad had been on my case about it. He just doesn’t get it!!!! And I know not taking a gap year is entirely on me and (I had good reasons too, like STUDENT LOANS!) but he pressures me SO MUCH. HE pressured me not to take a gap year. I shouldn’t listen to him ever again with this stuff because he does NOT get it. He’s not the one experiencing this, it’s me. And it’s not fair that he’s trying to pressure me to apply for a job at a pharma company that I can then do permanently instead of pursuing my dream. Or constantly coming up with alternatives and pushing backup plans at me and pushing ME for backup plans. This is my plan and this is my backup plan. The end.

So: MCAT, master’s, and lastly: work.

Three apps, two interviews. First interview was alright and followed by another, but they haven’t gotten back to me. It’s been a week. I know they want someone who can work long term but it was such a great opportunity so close to my house, and it doesn’t look like it’ll be happening which sucks.

Then there’s #2. No openings in Chicago so I’m on a long wait list. Two openings in the suburbs, 45 mins away and only way to get there is by car. I have neither a car nor my license. The former requires insurance as well, which my parents can’t afford to pay for right now. The latter–well, my dad won’t let me practice in the winter. Ugh. But if I don’t have access to a car then what’s the point even?

And #3– no interview but wait list because there are no openings in Chicago and the only other one right now is in Lake Forest which is also 45 mins away by car and 2 hours away from train. And minimum wage? First of all; taking public transportation at night in Chicago for their night shifts is pretty much a death wish. secondly, minimum wage would barely cover my daily transportation, let alone student loans that I have to repay in June.

So basically, everything is meh right now.

Which means it’s time for a task list:

– devise MCAT study plan
– talk to an advisor (?)
– talk to adm dean friend of S
– master’s app
– finish reading the Namesake
– at least 2 more job apps
– stop feeling sorry for yourself
– stop being an ass to people

first- I need to make a list. Now that i’m “free,” I’ve been spending time doing things on my own time, and it’s GREAT. It’s really nice not to have any obligations and to not be tied to something.

I keep feeling like I have somewhere to be, some appointment to fulfill, some deadline to meet. It’s so great to realize that I really don’t, not really.

I like being in control vs letting my life control me.

It’s almost been a month of this and I love it. (I also cannot still fully grasp the fact that I got STRAIGHT A’s in one of the most DIFFICULT semesters of my life. NINETEEN CREDIT HOURS. NINETEEN.)

I’m not letting anyone steer me in the direction of their choosing. This week I’ll be applying to the graduate program I was looking at. I want to read at least one of the books on my “list.” I’m going to submit two job apps.

The thing is, no matter where I am in August, I won’t have this much time off. I really want to enjoy, cherish, and make the most of it, basically. And I really people would leave me alone on that.

That sort of brings me to the second thing.

Which is that I’m so bloody annoyed with people in general lately. over everything from the paris attack to med school apps. People who don’t have experience or think their experience is the sum total of all experiences. People giving expertise when it isn’t asked for or needed. (My friend who worked at a med school, though, is going to introduce me to her friend who is the dean of admission somewhere else, which I’m looking forward to because THAT is who I need to talk to.)

I guess I’ve been in the minority for a bunch of things lately and it’s just really frustrating to see some stuff because people just don’t UNDERSTAND. And it’s kind of hard for me to grasp. Sigh.

And the other thing is just this “elitist” attitude. I’m really starting to become aware of it and of myself and I really am working on abandoning it. Because when I see it in other people it is just so damn annoying. I’ve wanted to just unfriend so many people because of it lately. i.e a friend who called a restaurant with decent good “disgusting” while praising a restaurant that is..well, if my place is disgusting then hers is a shit-hole for sure. I was just so offended. And then I made another suggestion which she said was too “cheap.” I was so miffed by her attitude. I just don’t like that. And I see the same thing online sometimes, with people thinking their opinion is the most cultured, and they know better than everyone else, and their opinion is THE opinion. Boy has that been FRUSTRATING.

Ugh. It just annoys me so much lately. And mostly people who specifically join a conversation JUST to bash the thing that you love and tell you how much they hate it and to what extent, and shit on your opinion, as if you ACTUALLY care what they think. Urghhh.

oh goodness, this will last forever

i feel that i haven’t ranted/vented in ages and i’ll practically burst at anyone who’ll listen. which is just not a good idea.

so i’ll just be talking to myself, here. because i like to pretend no one really reads this, so it’s just my thoughts out there, in public, but without the burden of worrying about who reads it and what they think of me and whatever

all that jazz.

i’m

fucking

pissed

this week.

about everything. and nothing. with myself, but mostly with others. with our justice system, with people who think they’re better than everyone else, with people who poke their way into my business.

my cousin got into med school, which, fine ok whatever. i hate her guts. i really do. she’s not a nice person. and she told our mutual cousin that she was taking the mcat, which is a lie because she was already applying to med school and had taken the mcat last year, which is what my uncle had told my mom.

not that i’m keeping track or anything.

anyway. this same cousin, okay, who’s a year older than me – back in HS, she got into this really, really good university. or so they say. and she’s an amazing student, let’s not forget. straight A’s, solid ACT, etc.

but she couldn’t afford it. so she went to one of the most mediocre schools in the state.

now, i went to a pretty great high school. i have friends at ivy leagues. most of my class went to REALLY great schools. i know a thing or two about bright students getting into good schools, and i can tell you for a fact that said university will give AMAZING scholarships to good students. so, that whole story? complete bullshit. anyone here can tell you that. these people know how it works. you can get an allowance for your books, even. they pretty much PAY you to attend.

anyway, so there’s a history of bullshit there. and then she got into another school in another state, apparently, and now here, which, whatever.

the problem is in the fact that her father had the balls to ask my mom 1) when i’m taking the mcat 2) why i haven’t taken it yet and 3) why i’m waiting so long because the whole app process takes a year.

and i am so, so pissed. 

because it’s no one’s fucking business.

because no one asks him about his kid, and it’s because no one wants to tell him about theirs.

because how fucking dare he. 

ugh

and i can’t bitch about it anywhere really, because i haven’t really told people about how fucked up the mcat was and how it went, and just thinking about it makes me want to cry, mostly.

and i had to deactivate twitter because of what’s going on in MO.

because i was talking about how effed up our justice system is, thinking about the instances of discrimination i’ve felt, my family is felt, how that humiliation doesn’t even compare to this. how it’s not even close. how it’s this, but on SUCH an incomprehensibly huge scale. and just thinking about it makes me want to cry and scream and throw up.

because everyone who’s defending it is getting defensive about the attack on cops and missing the point completely.

because people don’t understand the difference between a shot meant to disable and a shot meant to kill

because people don’t understand the amount of hatred people have for other races

and people don’t. fucking. get. that the justice system should be one that’s understandable – that all citizens can comprehend. don’t tell me i don’t get our justice system. because this same justice system made slavery legal, at one point. so yes, maybe i’ll never comprehend all of it, and why things are the way they are – but don’t tell me i’m not allowed to have an opinion because i don’t understand it. i’m allowed to look at all the facts and have an opinion. you don’t have to like it, i wasn’t born to fucking please you.

ugh

i just fucking hate people this week.

ugh

ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. ugh. 

my mcat is alright for DO schools. not amazing, but alright. and i am completely ignoring the “it’s late in the cycle” shit. you never know what happens, and seriously, at this point, i’m believing in miracles.

my apps are solid. i have an upward trend in my grades, and my GPA is relatively better than my peers.

but i’m still bouncing between taking the dumb test again and not.

nothing is impossible, i know, but the 2015 test is going to be very difficult and include material that i haven’t taken classes for, i.e sociology and biochem.

realistically speaking, I would be walking in blind and half-assed for something in which I don’t have experience in.

compare that to the test that i spent months studying for, i know i can do better on that version. i choked. that score was my first practice test score, i went up THREE points and i know i can do it. but i’m taking 19 credit hours and super duper busy and just drowning right now. i plan out everything, i study in advance but i’m still getting screwed over.

and i don’t have the time to dedicate to study for the january test–which, another thing, that test doesn’t even have seats open at this point, so there’s that.

ugh.

and a person i don’t like got into med school and i don’t even care, really, and am annoyed that a family member chose to call and tell my parents about it in terms of gossip and then my dad didn’t get why i didn’t apply there (maybe because you were already complaining about how much these apps are COSTING) and just ughhhhhh.

i don’t care.

but i do. and it sucks.

and every other day i’m bouncing back and forth between “yes i can retake” and “no, i’m going to settle with my score and keep pushing and applying.”

(which, i applied everywhere anyway, but ughhhh.)

(pretty sure i’m on my way to world record for most ughs)

So, I haven’t used this in a while. And so I’m back today and I’m reading over my older entries and holy crap it’s all so weird.

It feels so weird, looking at my ups and downs, my moments of extreme clarity intermixed with those of confusion and uncertainty.

It gives me hope.

I needed that.

I’m having a shitty week, again. A shitty day, shitty week, shitty month, shitty year.

There have been days this year where I’ve been able to talk myself out of a funk, to convince myself it’s just a shitty day and not a shitty life, that my journey is different from someone else’s journey, that God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason.

But then there are days where I can tell myself this over and over, yet a part of me is still hurting. Because Why. Me? Why can’t shit just work out, for once in my life? 

Why is it, that I’ll put everything into something, that I’ll put aside friendships and my own sanity, and work my butt off, following all advice, and still not get the results I wanted?

My parents have been so nice about it all. They know I worked hard. They saw it. know I worked hard. I did everything right. But it still wasn’t enough, and it’s annoying the crap out of me.

Because now I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this place where, yes, I have some idea of where I need to go from here, but at the same time, I’m more scared than ever.

And I am not telling people because I’m irritable. Because people that offer advice haven’t been in my position. They don’t know my emotions, the process. They blindly throw advice at me and it frustrates me to no end because it doesn’t work that way. You can’t fix it if you don’t know the whole story, the whole system. It’s not easy, and it’s not simple. Attitude is everything, yes, but sometimes it isn’t enough.

Sometimes you need more. And I don’t really know what it is right now.

To make matters worse, my period started and I’m even more anxious than before. I know it’s hormones and that everything is heightened during these weeks anyway, but I just don’t need this right now.

At all.

I have never been this anxious and panicky in my life. It’s almost to the point where I’ve wondered, more than once, if I’ve developed an anxiety disorder. It has never ever been this crazy. I have always held at least some semblance of control, and I’ve felt it completely slip away from these past months and it frustrates me so. damn. much.

I feel like I’m finally getting a small idea of how it is for people with serious anxiety disorders, depression, the works. It’s easy to look at them and wonder why they’re letting themselves stay that way, why they aren’t doing anything to change their situation–sometimes you do everything you can and you still don’t have control. You try to talk yourself out of it, you let other people talk you out of it, you pray and you do everything you can think of.

But it isn’t enough. The bubbling panic, the feeling of not having any control over the situation, the fear of a colossal fuck-up. Even thinking, what’s the worse that can happen, life is too short to worry about these things, everything will work out on its own, this is all human creation and one day we’re gonna all die and nothing will matter and ALL that stuff–even that isn’t enough.

Ugh. Just. ugh.

i give you all of me.

21.

I’ve been 21 for a little over 3 weeks now. I’ve applied to graduate college in December (and was approved), a semester early. I’m technically a “senior” if you look at it by credit hours. And holy crap, time flies. 

Scanning some of my older entries on here, I look at myself just a year ago and think: so much has changed. It’s insane, because you think time flies by and everyone changes but you don’t. This isn’t true, of course. We all change. We grow and change, even if we don’t realize it. 

But lately, I’ve been doing a whole lot of self-reflecting. I’ve been noticing things in me that are so different from last year. 

A thing I noted last year was that it’s hard for me to stick with an opinion and not waver from it. Mind you if I’m wrong, I’ll change it. i’ll do it grudgingly, embarrassingly and reluctantly, but I’ll change. I’ll accept that I was wrong, that there’s a right opinion that isn’t mine. It’s what I consider my own personal growth. And it isn’t limited to that–I’ve also learned to peacefully coexist with others of different opinions. It isn’t easy, and it doesn’t always work out, but I’m done trying to make people change their minds, or to be stubborn and think my way is only way to go. No. People have different opinions, different reasons for these different opinions, etc. 

This wasn’t how it always was, of course. I used to change myself for people. Say mean things about someone else to please a friend in middle school (goodness, she was so toxic, I shudder every time I see her on facebook), do something idiotic and embarrassing to please another in high school, pretend that I was in LOVE with twilight in high school (I’m embarrassed, okay? I’d read it, yes, and didn’t have an opinion on it, but then everyone was gushing about it and i bandwaggoned. And then I realized how ridiculous it all was and we cannot ever talk about it again, okay?). Look at someone’s favorite bands and listen to their music so I could have similar taste. It’s all so embarrassing now that I think about it. 

But I am so past that. I’m not that self-conscious, eager to please kid anymore. I refuse to agree with someone just to keep the peace. I cannot lie. I am an awful, awful, liar. I cannot exaggerate excitement. 

I think I’ve finally started to develop a personal identity. I have strong opinions, and I refuse to waver from them. Whether it’s politics, economics, or something as simple as a TV show, I have ideas about what is right and what is wrong, what I like and what I don’t like, and I will not change that for anyone. 

Others, though, do not agree. I suggest: “let’s agree to disagree.” 

They respond positively, and then continue to argue their point. Adults, kids, it does not matter. My parents taught me to respect others, of course, especially elders, but when one treats you like a kid, is condescending, and makes it clear that being half their age does not make you or your opinion right, well…

I might only be 21, but I am not a kid. I know what I want, I know what I believe, and any amount of nastiness will not change that. 

I’ve also come to realize that everyone i meet is at a different point of the journey of their lives, and I should not compare myself to them. 

This was one of the realizations I voiced to a friend the other day. A staff member at school, who I’m friends with, asked me about school, and how I am. Our one hour long discussion was relaxing, fun, hilarious. At one point, she paused, laughing, and said she missed me, and was upset I’m leaving. And then she told me–“you are so mature, I wish I was this mature at your age. I am so proud of you.”

You know, when your family tells you that, you just laugh and shrug, because hey, they’re your family. But when someone that is a friend, an adult who has their life together, tells you that they are proud of you, that you are mature, it’s different. 

I felt proud in that moment. It was a good feeling. Because I still feel like a kid sometimes, like a rookie who doesn’t know what she’s doing, making mistakes, lacking self-confidence. But to know that all this thinking and self-reflecting and all of that has led to this, that someone who doesn’t know me all that well can have a conversation with me and see in me what I don’t see in myself–well, it’s a good feeling, is all. 

I’ve grown and changed in the past year, and I’m proud of it. 

That is all. 

all of me, loves all of you.

iwillnotcomparemyselftoanyoneelseiwillnotiwillnotDAMMITWHYDOYOUGETTOHAVEITALL?????? 

^ a disease. 

hate comparing myself to others, especially when they make me feel bad about myself. but i can’t stop it. i try and try and try and then there’ll be something that’ll make me think why them? why not me? and to a certain extent, i know the answer. but at the same time, as much as you try to tell yourself, they’re in a different part of their life as you or you’ll get there someday too, there’s that voice in the back of your head that screams: why can’t just get it right the first time, too? how do people get it all right the first time around? are they even learning? 

sigh.

it’s time for bed.