it’s so interesting to look back on the previous posts in this blog and see how much has changed. how consistent my complaints have been, how trivial.
i look back and go “suck it up, buttercup.” i think: stop making excuses. stop lying to yourself.
it’s hard, though.
this semester was supposed to be a good one, but again, i find myself falling apart. how dramatic is that, even?
to top off the academics and the self-doubt, add dismantled friendships and boy problems.
it’s so silly because i know in a few years i’ll look back at this and wonder how and why i let it affect me so much but i physically cannot stop. if i could just remove it all from my system somehow, i would, but that isn’t how this works. it isn’t how i operate.
what am i doing about my situation?
following my gut, and it isn’t going so well. my gut says duck, hide, avoid. look away. put on a hoodie and ignore your problems. don’t make eye contact. they’ll see. they’ll know.
sometimes it’ll say: confront. fight. hold people in one place and just ask. why don’t we talk anymore? what did i do to you? do you like me? did i make all this up? what are you thinking? how do you expect me to let you in when you can’t let me in? do you think i’m crazy? i feel crazy. i feel a lot of things, actually. i guess it’s good, in a way. it means i’m alive.
this year i felt down overall. i wondered if it was depression. i think it might be. i don’t want to label it. i don’t know what to do about it. i feel like it’s normal, here. everyone goes through this, right? this too shall pass. i can’t tell you that, though. i don’t want to think about how you’re gonna look at me if i tell you. i don’t want you to back away, about as much as i do.
do you want me to open up? what do you want to hear? i’ve spent years building up this wall. it won’t crack that easily. we had this one moment when it almost did. i felt the swoosh as everything else around me faded and i got caught up in the moment and the truth almost came bubbling up. what scares you the most? i almost let my guard down.
you think there’s all this stuff, that i’m this huge mystery. you’re intrigued. you think i’m a puzzle. you think there’s a chase. you like games. i’m a game. sometimes you’re tired of it.
there’s nothing here, really. it’s a whole ball of emotions without any significant history. there’s no ex, no broken heart. when i ramble about men, it isn’t because i’ve been hurt or broken by them. it’s pure observation. and it has nothing to do with you. i don’t know how to make it any more obvious that it’s a defense mechanism. that all of this is, just so i don’t get hurt.
and i’ve given that away to you so many times yet you don’t connect the dots, or you pretend not to, and i don’t know what that means.
this isn’t going to get anywhere, i know that.
but are you looking for a sign?
what do you want from me?
why are you so hot and cold?
why are we like this?
i’m so confused. i’m so lost. i wish i didn’t care, i wish i could just shut it off, and sometimes it feels like i have. sometimes i give myself the pep talk, and it’s fine, and i’m fine.
and i can sit in the same room as you and be normal.
but then: a moment where i freeze up because of an interaction i see and all of a sudden, for the first time ever, i feel this burning feeling from my gut outwards. i call it embarrassment for stuttering, i call it shame. deep down, i know: it’s fucking jealousy.
i can tell people whatever i want, i can label it whatever i want but i know, that when my whole body was on fire just then, and i couldn’t even make eye contact with you after, it was because i was so jealous i didn’t know what to do about it. and i was ashamed of being jealous because i had convinced myself that i didn’t care, i had the pep talk, i was ready to move the fuck along.
it’s insane how hard i try to control my emotions, how there’s this fucking raging storm inside me and i manage to keep it inside, keeping a front and managing to stay expressionless and cold.
you want me to open up? trust me, you don’t want to hear about this. i’m embarrassed. i don’t open up to people because that gives them too much power. i’m not just gonna hand that over to someone.
i don’t know you well enough to give that to you.
i care too much about what you’ll think.
i don’t even understand why you might even like me for the way i am.
i don’t even understand what the fuck is going on.
and at one point in my life i could’ve pushed it down in my list of priorities but suddenly it’s on the top because it’s easier to focus on this than everything else.
what should i do?
i don’t know.
but i need to figure it out before we go our separate ways.
when the hell did this become my life?
i hate it.
one moment i’m calm and collected, ready to tackle my life, ready to leave you behind and not give a fuck,
the next: a notification. your name. it’s probably something silly. but it’s you reaching out. and i melt like chocolate in the sun.it all keeps crumbling down. and i want to clean it up right away. i want to not let it get anywhere. i want to build that wall back up, put it all together.
but there’s the glimmer of hope.
the heart wants what it wants.
here we go again.